It just had to be said

"Please don't put your brother's toes in your mouth."

"Please quit saying the word 'hookers' over and over. It's called a 'hook'."

"No, you cannot throw that wrapper out the window."

"No, the police will not send your brother to jail for littering, but he might get a ticket."

"No, not a ticket to the movies, a ticket that says you have to pay $50 to the police."

"No, you do not get a Nintendo DS from the police when you give them $50. You just give them your money to help you remember not to throw trash out the window again."

"No it is not too cold to play outside! It's June!"

"Please don't wipe that on me."

"Yes, that cheese does make you look like you have a mustache."

"Please don't put your feet above your head."

The difference between 9 and 7

[In the car tonight]

Maddy: Mom, remember that time when our car was breaking down, and you were kind of freaking out? [She's right, I did...not my finest mommy moment!]

Me: Yes, I remember. I should have handled that better. I'm sorry for scaring you.

Noah: Yeah, Mom, you scared her halfway out of her skin!

Maddy: Actually, I think it was only about 1/3.

{This proves that not only does she like to be precisely right, she also has mad fraction skillz.}

The difference between 7 and 4

Noah: Jack, guess which superhero I am…

Jack: Uh, I don't know.

Noah: He's a DC Comics hero.

Jack: What's DC?

Noah: It's the people who make some of the characters. You know, like Spiderman is Marvel?

Jack: [blank stare]

Noah: Okay, here's another hint, he's the leader of Robin.

Jack: Robin!

Noah: No, he's the *leader* of Robin. Not the *answer* is Robin.

Jack: You mean Robin?

Noah: Uhhhhh! Okay, he has a foe named Joker.

Jack: What does "foe" mean?

Noah: "Foe" means someone who's bad and versus the good guy. {Can he verb the word "versus"?}

Jack: Oh, Joker!

Noah: No, his *foe* is Joker. Not the *answer* is Joker!

Jack: It's Joker!

Noah: Come on, Jack, he's the leader of Robin, he has a foe named Joker, and he's active at night.

Jack: You mean Robin's active at night? Or Joker's active at night.

Noah: Jack, his name starts with Bat and ends with Man.

Jack: Ummm….Joker!

Noah: No, it's Cat Woman, come on! {He's obviously inherited his daddy's sarcasm!}

Jack: Oh, Cat Woman! That's what I thought!

Noah: Uhhhhh! Jack, it's not Cat Woman. Is she the leader of Robin? No. He has pointy ears like this…boom!

Jack: Cat Woman!

Noah: HE, Jack, HE has pointy ears! Cat Woman is a SHE, not a HE! Here, I'll show you this action figure that looks like him…[holds up Batman figure] See?

Jack: OH, you mean Batman?!

Noah: Yes! You got it right, Jack! Great job!

Whiskers

He went from this…

…to this…

…to this…

…and finally this.

And then he went on to do this…

…and this…

…and this…

…and this…

…and this…

…and this…

…and ended up with this. Totally frame-worthy.

And now, for my 12th post today...

Just couldn't shut down the computer without sharing Jack's nightly bedtime ramblings:

Jack: "You know what I gon' be when I grow up?"

Me: "No, what?"

Jack: "A do'tor."

Me: "Oh really? That's good."

Jack: "You know what I gon' do when I a do'tor?"

Me: "No, what?"

Jack: "I gon' check things. And you know what I gon' do after I check them?"

Me: "No, what?"

Jack: "I gon' fix them."

Me: "That's a very good thing for doctors to do. Doctors help people."

Jack: "No, I not gon' fix people, I gon' fix tha spaceships."

Me: "What?"

Jack: "And you know what I gon' do after I fix the spaceships?"

Me: "I can't imagine."

Jack: "I gon' put on my helmet."

Me: "Of course you are, because that's what doctors do after they fix spaceships."

Jack: "Because you have to wear your helmet. You know why you have to wear your helmet?"

Me: "Why?"

Jack: "Because you will crash into a wall. And then you will need some sticky tape [Dora, anyone?] to fix it. Then you will have to ask Poppi for his tools so you can fix the wall. Because that's what you do with your spaceship."

Me: "Clearly, my work here is done."

Public Service Announcement from Jack

Now that Jack has had his nap, he could not, in good conscience, go rot his brain watch cartoons without letting us know a few very important things about him.

First:

I am big enuss (enough).

How big are you?

Big enuss to pway bideo games. (Noah's Leapster, which he is, in reality, NOT allowed to play).

How did you get so big?

Santa.

Is Mommy big, too?

No, you're just a little boy. You can't even play bideo games. Or dress-up.

Poor Mommy.

Second:

I sooooo fat.

Mommy is NOT fat.

You can't be fat if you're a grownup. Only kids can be fat, and only if they eat their thood (food).

But Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy, isn't it fat?

No, your tummy is just bigger. NOT fat.

Only kids can be fat, and only if they eat their thood.

You has to wissen (listen).

Yeah, looks like we've got some issues around our house. How 'bout you??

A day in the life of a schizophrenic superhero

Jack's not just any superhero, he's ALL superheroes. At the same time.

Here he is about 10 minutes after he used his superpowers to leap a tall building (or Daddy's armoire) to get to his Bat-tools (or Daddy's binoculars and multitool), and then was banished by his nemesis, Penguin (or Mommy, who is already starting to waddle), to his Bat-room to read his Bat-books: He's seriously asleep. In the middle of his toys and books. With the light on. At 10 am.
Mommy: 1, JackEBoy: 0.

And here's his reaction when super-mommy told him he did not have to put on his C.lark K.ent/B.ruce W.ayne disguise (aka--normal clothes) to run errands:

Tie Game--Mommy: 1, JackEBoy: 1

Today's errands included Mommy having a signature notarized, during which Super-Bat explained to the receptionist at great length that he does not, in fact, *kill* bad guys, he only beats them up and puts them in jail. Can you tell we've rehearsed that conversation?

Jack: "I gon' kiw dem"

Mommy: "Jack, we don't kill people"

Jack: "But I wike to kiw doze bad guys"

Mommy: "Only bad guys kill. Superheroes are good guys, they just put the bad guys in jail so they can't hurt anyone else"

Jack: "Ok, firs' I will beat dem up, den I will put dem in jail"

Mommy, "Close enough."

Next, a trip to Tar-jhay for new play shoes for Jack. His were hand-me-downs from Noah and unanimously decided to fall apart completely in one day. So, I told him we were going to pick out some shoes. His reply: "And den we can wook at toys? Jus' wook, not buy dem." Again, can you tell we've had this conversation before? He saw some S.tar W.ars things in the dollar bins as we walked in and said, "Ah, my good! Noah wuvs dat! Do you got some moneys?" ("Ah, my good!" is his version of "oh my goodness"--he says this a lot and it cracks me up every time!) Then, as I was returning the cart to the corral, Jack was still sitting in it, and not showing any interest in helping me extricate him from the seat (me with my big belly and all, needing all the help I can get), so I said, nonchalantly, "Okay, I'll see you later" to which he replied, without missing a beat, and equally as nonchalantly, "Okay, but you'll be bery sorry". That Jack!

And at the end of the day, super-Jack decides that law enforcement is a better option than jail-time for "kiwing bad guys". He requested I take this picture of his "cute alphabet"...I think he meant "outfit"...

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm all pictured-out after my marathon-posting the last few days...

But Jack is still keeping me in stitches. This afternoon he was playing outside when the garbage truck came by. I know he's seen it before, but you would think we were at Dis.neyworld! He just kept yelling, "THAT is AWESOME!!" over and over. It's the little things, folks. Let's be thankful today for all the special people in our lives, even the garbage men (or sanitation workers, or whatever it's politically correct to call them)!

Jack at bedtime

To say he is a strange child would be putting it mildly. Obviously, as I tucked him in, when I asked what song he wanted before prayer, he was already off in his own world...

Jack: "Who was that girl with makeup at the rest'rant?

Me: What restaurant?

J: Where I eat dat pizza.

M: What girl? The waitress?

J: No, that girl with makeup.

M: I don't know. Are you ready to sing "Old Macdonald?"

J: It was Dani.

M: Oh, right, I remember now! (laughing because we met Dani at Macar.oni Grill for lunch right before she went back to Honduras and Jack had pizza)

J: We ate pizza.

M: Was it good?

J: Yes, it was good. Not bad. Poop is bad. We don't eat bugs. Spiders only eat bugs. And sharks don't eat fish. [Nemo reference, b/c Maddy had just read the book to him] If they do, they can't play with them. Goodnight, Mommy. You can sleep in your own bed.

His stream of consciousness cracks me up. I guess like most of us, when he lays down at the end of the day, he reflects on what he's learned throughout the day. He cracks me up with the things he remembers or that stand out to him.

By the way, the picture is supposed to be of his new haircut, but the orange shellac cabinets don't make a great background :) Also, his mouth is blue from the lollipop he had for sitting still to get his hair cut!

Only Dani will care!

I'm not sure anyone but my mom cares about the random cute (to me) things Jack says...so if she's the only one who reads these, that's okay! As I've mentioned before, I hope to do a blog book someday of these, so I'm including everything I can think of!

This morning in the car, I went to Starbucks after dropping the kids off at school (I just refilled the envelopes this week, so you know that "blow money" is burnin' a hole in my pocket!) and Jack wanted a "grape slush", which is an indication that perhaps we've taken advantage of the 2-4pm 1/2 price drinks at Sonic a FEW times too many lately! Anyway, I never knew this but you can get a kid-sized drink (we got milk) at Starbucks. It's a little smaller than a tall, but it has the coffee lid and everything. Jack was THRILLED! He loves to drink out of mugs at home and calls whatever it is his coffee and pretends it's really hot, which means he mostly blows on it and thus ends up with more spit than drink, but hey, it's his cup. He kept saying, "Mommy, I WIKE this coffee! It's dus a wittle bit hot, I hab to be berry carepul!"

As we were driving home from Starbucks, he said, "Can we go to da shoe?" It took me a minute to realize he meant "zoo". (And for those who read my previous post, I tried writing the monologue in it's original Jack-ese, but it was too hard to read so I just "translated" for your reading enjoyment. He actually said all of those words, but it was with almost-3-year-old pronunciation!) I told him it was too rainy to go to the zoo today, and his reply was, "How 'bout da cemetery?" Only in our family is that normal! He really just wants to go for the big hill. I guess it's okay that I find it funny (and not bizarre or sad) for a cemetery outing to be a close 2nd to the zoo!

Jack just brought me his mini-tall Starbucks cup and asked for juice in it. Guess I'd better go ahead and put that travel coffee mug on his Christmas list!

I love my kids!

Some days (okay, really most days) they make me want to pull my hair out, and this morning was one of those mornings! We went to BG to visit Memaw & Grandaddy and went to church with them. Which is ALWAYS a disaster. I constantly feel the need to tell everyone there that we really do actually go to church 3 times a week, because the kids always act like they've never set foot in a church when we're there. Part of it is that they're usually sleepy (duh, they've spent the night at grandma's!), and they're used to going to church at 8 instead of 10:30 (Jack's naptime is at 11, which is why we go early!), and there are basically no other kids there, and they are usually hyped up on new goodies in the church bag and a lot more sweets than their bodies are used to. Okay, so they're not perfect at our church either, but this goes beyond normal childishness. They are just disruptive. I'll be surprised if the elders don't have a meeting with us at some point :) I have had to let go of this and realize that it is not about what others think of my parenting skills (or lack thereof) and that they will hopefully grow out of it. But I always come back from church much more frazzled!

Well, then those stinkin' kids have to go and totally redeem themselves (that's a quote but I can't even remember what it's from...J would know but he's not here**thanks to Uncle Pip for clarifying: "Just when I think you can't do anything dumber, you go and...TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF." He would know--he and his brother are the original "Dumb & Dumber"!). We got home tonight and they have been so cute. For starters, Jack didn't have any clean clothes left to come home so I put the tshirt Maddy took to sleep in on him and he looked SO adorable!! I'd post a picture, but Jared has the camera in VZ still. Maybe I'll recreate it just to get a picture...it's too cute. He put the shirt on and said, "Hey, I wook wike Maddy". I could eat him up. And as Mom says, "Sometimes I wish I had!"

Later Jack and Noah were watching a movie while Maddy and I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Noah came and sat next to me on the couch and declared, pretty nonchalantly, "Mom, I've got a crush on you." He's the sweetest thing ever! Then of course Madeline had to explain to him that you can't have a crush on your mom because you can only have a crush on someone you might marry, which cannot be anyone you are already related to (because of course she also had to learn this lesson in kindergarten when she was determined to marry daddy). Noah was disappointed. Then he asked when he was going to be old enough to be a daddy. I explained (for the 1000th time) that he would grow up and meet a wife God has chosen for him and get married and then she would be the mommy and he would be the daddy when they had my grandchildren. This apparently was not the real explanation he was looking for since he followed up with, "But when do I get to boss people?" Yeah, when exactly do you get start bossing people? He also said he'd like to be a girl because they can boss people even when they're a kid (thanks, big sister Maddy!). So funny what goes through their heads.

Then to top it all off, when I put Jack to bed, in a hilarious attempt to calm his own fears of the dark and the monsters he may or may not believe are in his closet, he presented this bedtime monologue:

"It’s not a good idea to touch the shadows. We don’t touch the wall. Or the fan. Only mommy can touch the fan. So we don’t get in trouble. We can’t touch the squirrels. Or they might bite us. But they can’t bite us. But dogs can bite us. So we don’t touch dogs. Only pet them. If we ask Mommy. And we can’t go in the grass if Mommy says, 'Don’t go in the grass' because there might be spiders. And we might see a spooky spider webs. Ooh, I don’t like spider webs. But it’s not scary. It can’t hurt us. Only lions can hurt us. But the lion lives at the zoo. We don’t have lions at our house so they can't hurt us. But we have a kit [cat] at our house. But there's no monsters. Only dark. It's scary. But I'm not scared of the dark. It's just shadows. But they're not so scary. Oh, I think I lost my bandaid."

I kid you not. I was laughing hysterically while mentally recording every word. This was too good to forget! This, lessons in fear and obedience, from the kid unafraid of climbing up the refrigerator to get candy and in the process spilling a gallon of paint on the floor. He is a certified NUT!