Struggling

I started blogging as a way to express myself, to get my thoughts down, and of course to remind myself of the crazy things my kids do on a daily basis. Somehow, the kids have taken over. It's just easier to write about the fun and funny things they do and say and how I feel about that. This started as a catharsis in my journey through losing Ruby. I kept a journal from the time she died and eventually I quit journaling and began blogging. I sit down at the computer many times and plan to share something personal or what is really on my heart and then I convince myself that I don't have the emotional energy to do that, and that I'm just not in the mood for more seriousness.

I'm so tired. So is everyone else. I feel like God has been giving and giving and giving to me for so long through so many people and I should be so full of Him that it would be evident in my life. And then I look at my life and it's kind of the opposite. I still feel like I'm taking and taking and taking. I can look at this last year or so and see that He has brought me to a different place spiritually, in relationship to Him, than I have ever been before. I see what He has given me, how He has drawn me to Him, how faithful He has been to me even though I've done nothing to deserve it. And I've praised Him for that like never before. I adore Him. He is awesome. When I get to heaven, I'd like some portion of eternity to be spent rockin' my baby Ruby, since I haven't gotten to do that here, but then there's nothing I want more than to sit at His feet in worship. Forever. And ever. It's not that He hasn't brought me a long way. It's just that apparently, I had a really long way to go, because I still feel like I've only taken a baby step toward Him.

And somehow I can't get past the adoration of Him. That's safe. I know He accepts me, enjoys my fellowship (I don't know WHY, but I trust He DOES). It's all the other people in the world that He wants me to serve. I don't wanna. I just want to stay safe in my cocoon I've built, praise Him, get through life. That sounds really bad when I put it like that.

Boy, have I got it backwards! I KNOW in my head that He asks for my first fruits for a reason. Duh! Because that is how I am truly filled so I can pour out to others. I've been trying to give out of my own supplies, and they are just depleted. There's never quite enough. So I know this, but why don't I just do it? I can look back on a thousand times in my life when I put Him first (usually because I was so depleted that I had no other choice), and HELLO...HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL! Always. Completely. Faithful.

Always. Completely. Enough.

Enough to bless my husband with the respect and attention he deserves. Enough to mother my children and not just provide daycare. Enough to care for the material blessings which He has made me responsible for now. Enough to be hospitable to my extended family, neighbors, and others God puts in my path. Enough to not see the little bit of missions translating and volunteering at school as burdens, but to see them as the acts of service that they are. Enough to take me out of my little tiny circle of safety and show me ways to serve Him daily through looking beyond myself and my family.

Every few months, my friends and I beat ourselves up for how self-centered and child-centered we've become and how we manage to be "salt and light" to our kids (sometimes) but certainly are not to the world. We wander through our day, rushing to the next event, or spending the day at home with our children dictating everything we do. We justify this by saying that "it's just because our children are young" or "our home IS our mission field"...which are both true. If I served the whole world and ignored my family, I'm pretty sure God would hold me accountable for that oversight. But we beat ourselves up, and then never make any changes. Me included. I have no fresh insights on what to do on a daily basis to get out of my kid-rut. I just SO want for my children to at least see me trying to get out of my "comfort zone" and live like I really believe and trust and have faith in what Jesus tells us. He doesn't give me a "get out of jail free card" on being a mom. He asks me to be a servant. To give. And then to give some more. And to have faith that He will provide. He will fill me back up when I am depleted. But not so I can sit around and enjoy being full, but so that I can praise Him for His faithfulness and then give it all away again.

So how can I do that? I know no one else can answer specifically for me. I'm asking Him this too, privately, because I know He will show me what He wants from me right now. But does anyone else struggle with this or have any ideas?