First, I have Living Proof Ministries blog (Beth Moore) on Google Reader and although I've not been reading blogs very diligently lately, I did "happen" to open this one Saturday and read it. And I think it's a challenge God is asking me to accept. I hope you'll accept it too. It sure can't hurt!
Then later that day, in the shower (usually the only quiet time I get), I was thinking about the times that I have gone through major times of struggle ("the funk"), and it occurred to me that the 3 times I can pinpoint clearly were immediately following times where I was unusually devoted in my relationship with God and where I was in very good communication with Him (in the Word and praying LOTS) and really felt led by Him. And just as I felt I was finally getting a grip on our relationship and expecting great things, something happened that left me feeling blindsided, doubting everything I had just been through. Doubting that I could really trust Him with my life. And in all of those cases, I can look back (although not very far back this time) and see how satan immediately stepped in and threw a fit in my life. OH did he EVER. And I let him. I wrapped myself up in it and wallowed around. Let myself throw a big baby hissy fit right there with him. Became so self-absorbed that I couldn't see past my own hurt feelings.
The good news is, it appears that my recovery time is decreasing. Oh, trust me, I'm hanging onto whatever glimmer of even a hint of a speck of maturing that I can find in this process. There's plenty of mess here. I'm trying to find something positive, so just go with me here. 'Kay? 'Kay. Thanks.
So after my shower (yes, it was a long shower, but my kids were already in bed), I checked blogs before going to bed and "happened" to read Tiffany's. I could totally relate to the last paragraph, and felt so encouraged to know that my sweet, preacher's wife friend was right there in the same boat. And reading her thoughts solidified in my mind that God was trying to point us (me) to HIS WORD. As always. There's no magic bullet. I don't know why I can trust so fully in it when things are good and when He is working clearly in my life, but when I hit a bump in the road, that knowledge somehow gets ejected from my brain. Not surprising, but still frustrating.
Then this morning, another Deaton spoke God's Word straight to me. PRAISE GOD. (I accidentally typed "gold" first...that would not have been a good typo) As in, literally PRAISING GOD is the appropriate offense against satan's attacks. Yes, I meant offense. I'm ready to take back ground, not just defend what little I have left.
And then, as if that weren't enough to blog about, as I'm typing this out, I put in my new Brandon Heath CD (yes, I am the last person on earth without an Ipod) thinking, "'Give Me Your Eyes' will be a great soundtrack for blogging" (which it is), and track 3 comes on and I had to take a break from the blogging to check the lyrics and make sure my ears were not deceiving me. Because I cannot fathom another song that could have spoken so directly to what I was typing at that exact moment...I was in paragraph 3 ALREADY typing, "Doubting that I could really trust Him with my life"...yes, really.
TRUST YOU (Brandon Heath, Chad Cates, and Jason Ingram)
I can't walk without watching where I'm going...I can't speak without knowing what to say...I can't love and have any hesitation...'Cause I know that You don't work that way...
I can't reach without something to offer...I can't come now, I am so ashamed...
I can't hold out on You any longer...'Cause I know that You don't work that way...
(chorus)
I'm not gonna fight You anymore...I'm not gonna try to lock the door...
You took Your life and gave me Yours...There's no reason why I shouldn't trust You with mine...
It's never easy changing direction...It's so unnatural to loosen up my grip...
Are You growing weary of all my good intentions?...'Cause I know that You don't work that way...
(chorus)
I'm not gonna fight You anymore...I'm not gonna try to lock the door...
You took Your life and gave me Yours...There's no reason why I shouldn't trust You with mine...
Some days the weight upon my shoulder is my shame...I know I should do better...'Cause You say...That I must now surrender...There's no other way...
(chorus)
I'm not gonna fight You anymore...I'm not gonna try to lock the door...
I needed life, You gave me Yours...There's no good reason why I shouldn't trust You with mine...
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SOOOOOO....all of that to say, I hope you, WHOEVER YOU ARE, will first follow the links here (there are lots, I know), and then come back here and comment. Whether it is to just say HI, or to share that you are committing to the Scripture challenge, or to let me know you're praying for the Deatons, or to PRAISE HIM for whatever is going on with you, or to say that you also love Brandon Heath's music or WHATEVER...I could use some comments to jumpstart me back on the blogging straight and narrow! And I will not complain if you would like to pray that I can do more praising and less self-pitying in the coming days (weeks-months-years).
"Praise the LORD. Praise the LORD, O my soul. I will praise the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live." Psalm 146
Melanie, I was just thinking specifically a couple of days ago about your "funk" and also about what you went through (and continue to) with losing little Ruby. I was thinking that not many women your age have had to experience a loss so deep or know from personal experience that bad things do really happen to good families.
ReplyDeleteLast night during one of the times I was trying to go to sleep, I prayed specifically for you...thankful that I had begun to see signs of your recovery from this recent "funk"...asking God that you would keep your eyes on Him and turn everything over to Him...again...
I love you so much but I know that God loves you even more and I have faith that He will continue to lead you out of the darkness and into His light.
Isn't it amazing how Satan attacks us when He sees us getting away from him? But even more amazing is the power of God's love and protection when we let Him stave off those attacks.
You are forever in my heart and my prayers, precious girl.
And, yes...I love Brandon Heath's music...especially "Give Me Your Eyes".
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was having difficulty with Garrett's pregnancy, you wrote the sweetest card to me, that I still have to this day. Though I probably never told you and you were miles away it meant a lot. You are a fantastic person, and I am praying for both you and Tiffany.
Welcome back to the world of blogging! Know that you are NEVER alone in how you feel and that (despite what you may think) you are truly an inspiration to others! I have missed hearing about your life and look forward to reading about your family's Christmas soon!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to 'hear' from you. Thanks for sharing your struggles...it's strange how encouraging it can be to hear that others don't have it all figured out either. Love you!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you've been stuck in a funk. I've been checking in from time to time and wondering if you were still trying to settle in from the move. Moving "back home" isn't as easy as it sounds. Perhaps you kept more connections up here, but I know I really struggled when we came back to town. I also know that left me wide open for spiritual attack.
ReplyDeleteAnd in reading this I am reminded that I continue to fall short. I had a goal this past year to read through the Bible completely, something I've never done before. Well, a month short of finishing my goal I just stopped -- I got too "busy." So, I see your post as another one of God's (many) reminders that I need to resume my reading. He's calling, isn't he?
Thanks Mel for your kind words and prayers. I can also pinpoint three specific times in my life when Satan was very alive, and I didn't even realize it. Those times for me were when I was completely comfortable in my life--not exactly comfortable with my relationship with God. It's funny how Satan's attacks actually push me further towards God--Satan's such a dummy! I'd love to get together and chat sometime.
ReplyDeleteTiffany is SO right... Satan is a TOTAL dummy. Look at the people he is attcking... strong, AMAZING women of God like you and Tiffany. He hasn't learned a THING since the whole Job debacle! I'm so sorry you've been in a dark place. I pray that God will pour His light into your life. He is able to heal and restore, again and again and AGAIN. He loves your heart, and you continue to challenge my faith. Many prayers your way.
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